In The Trenches

Right now we are in the trenches in a couple areas of life.  I recently made an appointment with my own doctor to talk to about anti-anxiety or depression medication for myself.  She asked me what was going on in my life right now…and I took a deep breath and hurled it all at her.  My son is intense.  He is disruptive in class –  doing things like animal noises, grabbing chairs and spinning while hooting and hollering through the room (the principal needed to come and rip him off the chair while he was having his good time), whining and complaining, calling names, blurting out answers, even standing on his desk a-la, “Dead Poet’s Society,” when he wanted to make very sure his teacher saw his hand was up.  Don’t even get me started on home stuff.  My mother has depression and MS and lives with me…and there is a history there that puts our relationship in a much different place than other mother/daughter situations.  My daughter is a beautifully sensitive little girl who is often in the middle of a great deal of noise and is walking through her own issues of identity a little bit right now and having some trouble on and off.  My husband has a stressful job and works long hours.  We are committed to making our family work, but we are in pieces and stretched.

Trenches.  Wilderness.  Crap.  Whatever you want to call it, we are there.  We’ve been there before.  In fact, we usually live here.  Occasionally we climb up a few feet and then get knocked around a bit.  The trenches are normal.  In fact, they are so normal that sometimes they are comfortable.  I might cozy up in my hovel and feel that is where I am supposed to be.  It’s not.

I am supposed to be the woman, wife, mom, friend, sister, daughter (and whatever else there is), that God designed me to be.  He calls me for His purpose and over the last 25 YEARS He has tested me, knocked me down, built me up, inspired me, forced me to lean first on Him, and brought me people that I can humble myself in front of.  He has taken the confident, goody-goody, independent, solve everyone’s problems, martyr personality of mine and worked it over a good one.  I’m still learning.  I’m still growing.  I’m still here in the trenches, but with many hands around me to pull me out when needed.
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